That was me in my using days. I knew enough to get help, eventually, and to stay clean completely, eventually...I am so thankful of the people who helped me and who have been helping me along the way.

It is really OK to get help. This goes for anyone, parents, men or women, children…people cannot read your minds, although I do know how scary having your ‘best friend’ taken away from you is…

It’s Easter Saturday and Kerri and I braved the crowds to do some last minute grocery shopping before the holiday. The line-ups were a little longer but it worked out ok. It helps me a lot that I am with Kerri when I go out. As a part of my agoraphobia and social anxiety disorder I have anxiety ALL the time, being able to distract with a friend helps a lot! I also carry my MP3 player with me if need be. I have not gone mobile as I want a home phone and I can’t afford both. Part of my expenses go to trying to buy stuff that is natural and organic. Well, I cheat sometimes too.  

I am getting to feel comfy with food and my body. I remember when I was restricting my food and anorexic, all I thought of was food and worrying about gaining weight. I felt that I was not good enough and that weight must have something to do with that. I was bitchier too and not in touch with my mind or body as much. Well, now I still have a long way to go but I’m a lot happier. I have natural energy. I rarely need my green tea and I haven’t had a coffee in about 6 months. I sip on Pepsi and eat chocolate though, lol…

 Sometimes it’s really easy to get disillusioned by what we SHOULD be doing and what we want to do that makes us happy. Why do some people live to be a 100 years old and they eat junk food etc and others that seem to do everything right die young? Betty White is an example. I really don’t know much about her eating habits but I have heard she loves fast food. She also seems to me like a really happy person so we need to understand that we deserve to do what makes us happy once in awhile even though the experts tell us we had better not!

 I am starting to worry that I’m getting ‘old.’ This started at my last birthday when I turned 36. I have heard for some they think they are old at 30 or younger! Now in the last couple of months I have found 5 grey hairs. Kerri assures me she started greying also but I don’t see any grey on her so maybe it takes awhile to notice? I hope so!

 I think I have pulled out most of my grey hairs > thank you Trichotillomania (a form of obsessive compulsive disorder where you pull out your own hair). I am thinning a lot on the top of my hair where I pull from (it doesn’t help that I have hydrocephalus and my hair was suppose to be hiding the surgical scars!). Anywhoo, I have been thinking of dying my hair when it gets too noticeable
 
I was looking at natural hair dyes today at The Natural Food Pantry. The only product I have used is the Red Sunset colour of Henna Powder from Colora. This is the cheapest product priced at $8.49 + tax however it is not a permanent hair dye so I will have to upgrade at some point. I really don’t want to go grey. It would be so cool if I could be carded at 70 years old like my mom (who dyes her hair!). But who knows.

I don’t mind other people who are grey or white haired I’m just having an issue with getting ‘old’ since I feel I really haven’t started living yet….

I am am leaving Kerri’s home and moving back to the city in a week and 2 days > yikes!

 I have been really comfy this time round living in the country next to the furry horny cows; 







 with wild turkey’s right in our yard!























 bunny foo foo; 


 

and of course having fun with my best friend, Kerri :-).

 Kerri is moving to British Columbia where her mom lives. Her mom has already invited me to visit but what a scary thought that is for me! I can’t even leave the house without fear!!! I think it would be neat though, someday. Everyone seems to love BC with the mountains and warmer weather. Kerri has shown me pictures from her visit last summer and it is very pretty out there.

 I am pretty much organized and have packed some of my stuff that I won’t need until I get to my new place. My case-manager Jenn will be with me moving day and Kerri will bring my cat Speckle once I am at my new place. I’m sure Speckle will be angry and me for uprooting her. When Speckle is mad she is not afraid to growl at me! So far this spring Speckle has caught a mouse and a baby mole > that we know of (something Kerri echo’s in my head). I am never amused when Speckle exhibits such cat-like behaviour!

 My issues have been mostly anxiety and panic attacks these past few months. Depression and mania are not really a problem lately although I do cry and feel sad sometimes. The latter is really about feeling helpless to watch Kerri leave and sad because I know she is sad and scared about this new adventure. All her friends are HERE!

 I think what has helped for me a lot depression-wise has been taking cipralex since June and using my SAD lamp from September 1^st to April 1^st for ½ an hour each day and everyday. In the past I used to have a lot of depression in October and in April sometimes lasting a month or two. This year NOOOO! Woohoo!

I have been slowing down on blogging because my concentration is really not there and I was getting agitated with it. I’m ok though. My mental health team has noticed that I get frustrated easily and still tend to put myself down. I have been kind of slacking with my positive affirmations but I’m trying to get back on track with those.

Recently, my therapist Cindy and worker Jenn have encouraging me to write for them and I have been succeeding with that so here I am again, and, this post went ok!  .

I moved back to the country and am with Kerri who is still my ex, and her daughter after 7 months of living with my folks although I still feel most comfortable staying home and watching television alone in my room. I often feel like I retreat into an numb ‘learned helplessness’ sort of state fuelled by ‘junk food’ but this is something I have to work out on in therapy. I am still anxious in the world no matter the situation. Junk food helps me not go hungry anyways so it’s a good thing, and, I am almost at my goal weight > my safe minimum BM1. I haven’t met that weight in over 5 years because of anorexia and I can’t eat good when I am anxious but when am I not anxious, lol… 

I had been hoping that moving back to the city last February would help me get out more, but that was not the case. There has been no change with my agoraphobia and my attempts to get an agoraphobia therapist to work with me and to come to my house has been non-existent. I could go to the hospital and get help in a program but I can’t get Kerri’s cat Bob who is 17 is nearly always on my bed resting. He makes a pretty good cuddle toy too. Both Kerri and Hope, her daughter are totally missing him though, hehe. 

 When I wrote last year, Kerri and I were dating when we were living together but we were also fighting a lot. Oddly, this time things are going much smoother. I have been back here since October as friends. Of course, I brought my cat Speckle back. She remembered the place immediately so there was no need to keep her inside and let her sniff out the house. Kerri even made her a house that she dives into and if I can’t find her sometimes she is just ‘home’, lol…

In the picture above Speckle has noticed that Big Log is in her house and bats at him. They are friends though and Speckle soon walked away. Big Log is a really mellow cat and just starred at her, lol…

I have been really enjoying my mom’s Elliptical Machine. It’s gorgeous isn’t it? It certainly fills my body with endorphins! It works out my arms and legs. In my cool down routine I do push ups, sit-ups and stretching. I am to out of breath to do more then 10 minutes on the machine as of yet. I put it on maximum resistance and the most difficult routine and work hard! It’s fun! 

Why do I work-out now when I hadn’t been for months? I am eating a lot of high calorie food and gaining weight. I’m still under what I ‘should be’ so maybe it’s a good thing I get my body accepting calories. I am not losing weight as I exercise that I know of but it is probably a good way to tone my body and help it get healthy in this respect. It seems to help my depression even if just for while I’m doing my work-out however every bit counts right?

Oddly enough, I seem to have natural endorphins again and this is not due to my exercise routine I don’t think. I am enjoying this experience cautiously as I know that I am bipolar stress can play havoc with my moods. I am also highly sensitive and an outward focused individual so this mood can't last forever, but hey. I have been getting good feed back from my worker who says I have ‘better range of emotions’ lately. Not sure what that means but it sounds good, lol.  Maybe my worker was watching the following Sesame Street Video as she was telling me this - What I Am!  And yes I do follow Sesame Street on twitter, lol...

I don’t seem to want to stay in bed all day anymore even when I am severely depressed. Instead, I use ‘caffeine therapy’ as needed and also get my ‘perk’ from refined sugars but I feel that although this is not healthy and I crash from this I do have the intent to get out of bed and the drive to move forward! This is a good sign me thinks. I am also, as of yesterday, drinking Organic Green Tea with  Ginger (and blackberry). I’m not supposed to be eating blackberries on my O Blood Type Diet (probably digestive thing?) but I wasn't supposd to be drinking coffee either. Maybe this will help me get on track. Ideally we are only suppose to be drinking water so the green tea will be when I need the caffeine! Green Tea is suppose to be good for you and it's allowed on my Blood O Diet.  The Tea I bought tastes like ordinary green tea to me but it’s Fair trade Folks www.fairtrade.net/our_vision.html!!!


I have talked about the fact that I am an O blood type and that I try to eat for my type.  If you want to know what all this gobbly goop is about here is what Steve Beisheim has to say.  Steve is a life coach and healer recommends this diet to his clients.

I just don’t understand why no one wants to change their Facebook profile language to ‘pirate English!’ It’s in the settings folks in the language part – go for it! It’s fun! Well, actually I don’t really understand all of my facebook now but it is great for a giggle, lol… 

I am definitely feeling a lot calmer in the Cipralex. I rarely have panic attacks anymore. I can still feel all my fears though and I did feel an attack coming on at Billings Bridge Mall the other day with Jenn, my mental health worker. It quickly left when I went into the store I was looking for to get a piercing (and more belly button jewellery, hehe). 

I saw Dr. Jayne my family medical resident doc. My CT scans results came back normal so I am fine. This was another case of me imploding, lol…My headaches have almost completely disappeared too so yay! 

I seem to have done pretty well this summer with everybody’s holidays (if you omit the headaches). My therapist and worker are well coordinated at taking the same weeks off. They are on their second batch of holidays this coming week (and not travelling together, lol)

Kerri has been gone over 2 weeks now but I am handling it better then I thought. This likely do to the almost daily IM and e-mail communication and pictures sent. I smile often when we are chatting. We are both cracking jokes and that...Kerri is in British Columbia. It is so gorgeous out there! I have never been. Maybe some year :-D.

I think I have found a therapist who will actually come to my house and work on my anxiety to get me out of the house again on my own!  I did not think this was possible! Now, I just have to make it through the assessment but I have a good feeling about this. I found the lady at my local community health centre. It sure will be nice to get my independence back minus all the panic attacks I was having to deal with in the past while getting out (I would also even have panic attacks in my home).

Last week it was the cutest thing - my advocate Kerry took me to the nearby park. I of course tried to whine and complain a little about leaving the house but Kerry was insistent and we both had a great time! I told Kerry I was bringing me cat Speckle and I did (off leash, of course). The park is a 5 minute walk from the house I live in with my folks. It’s a quiet residential neighbourhood so it is fairly safe for a seasoned outdoor cat to follow me and she did. Speckle had a great time at the park as well, lol.

This week is Ottawa Pride Week! I am not going, naturally, lol. A friend of mine tried to encourage me to go but I wasn’t budging without my girl Kerri! Maybe next year (I said the same thing last year, lol). Anywhoo, I multiple friends taking part so I won’t be at a loss for pictures! 

I’m feeling elevated today. I love that Chocolate Fudge Ice Cream exists! I have been totally on a ‘junk food’ kick and my homeopath Terrance says my remedies can cause this but that my body will crave ‘healthy’ foods again as I get healthier. I have also read that my Cipralex can mix with my lithium to deplete the salts of the lithium. Whether this means I am more off balance because I take both or more of a salt/sugar addict I don’t know. Apparently this contraindication is not huge though. My resident doc Dr. Jayne is probably going to be raising my Cipralex tomorrow when I see her as I am usually depressed and unmotivated more then anything and this is just wrong! I am only still at the minimum dose of Cipralex.

On a positive note I am getting less panic attacks. This is likely the Cipralex’s doing as it’s actually got a stronger anti-anxiety component then SSRI for depression. I am not ready to go out yet on my own except for stuff like emergency doc appts and stuff close to home…I hope this will change in time as I am starting to get bored of staying home. I am ever amused on Twitter however I think it is making a genius of me – so much to learn and read, hehe.

Since August 1^st I have been experiencing headaches which come and go. I often wake  up at night due to the pain. I have also been having dizziness and nausea and have seen two resident docs.  On Monday there was a CT scan ordered. 

Doctors order CT Scans for me because I was born with Hydrocephalus.  These symptoms could be present for a number of reasons or simply stress however they are also symptoms of a blocked or kinked shunt.

Hydrocephalus simply means water on the brain.  I have been dependant on a shunt since birth. A shunt is used to drain cerebral spinal fluid from my head via a tube runs down to my into my belly to be peed out. No one can see this shunt/tube thingy unless I am in a bikini and you can see the suture marks on my belly.  Even then it’s not grossly noticeable…Here is a pic of me as a baby with ‘the bandage’ wrapped around my head after my 1^st surgery when I was 7 days old. My mother tells me I was a smart baby. I figured out how to take off the bandages and kept the neo natal intensive care nurses on there toes, lol. 

Anywhoo, about the CT Scan - I was suppose to hear from them by today but I have not. This is OK other then the fact that I will be seeing my worker tomorrow who will bring me to my appointment with Dr. Jayne and also has time to take me to my CT scan. Unfortunately since the scan is not yet scheduled I fear I will have to go on my own and even though there is only about a 5% chance that there is anything physically wrong I am already nervous more then my frightened soul can entertain me going alone! My girlfriend is out in BC and I could ask my folks but I get worried that they will be just as nervous as me and that might not work too well, lol…

I am hoping that my homeopath was right when he told me that the remedies could be causing my symptoms. He is suggesting the CT scan just in case and has stopped the Medorrhinum remedy that he believes has been causing it. Its not that it was a ‘bad’ remedy but it has done it’s job to bring out a stress reaction or ‘healing reaction’. There is a constant struggle that may be going on inside of me because I am taking medications and remedies however there is not actually an interaction between homeopathy and medication.

Medicine is the cap or band-aide covering up my pain and keeping in my emotions. This is preferable to most people including me. My homeopath encourages me to stay on my meds as I need a cap at this time (homeopathy can be a slow process for chronic illnesses – remember it works cell by cell) so that I might have a better quality of life however then can come a reaction when homeopathy is pushing out feelings or whatever you are treating and medication is trying to keep stuff in.
 
The above is not a permanent issue.  If symptoms persist past three days we are told to call our homeopath. Unfortunately Terrance was at a special teaching conference all last week.  He did offer me an email consult but I figured I had better wait to talk to him in person as I didn't really know where my symptoms were coming from. Had I known it was possibly from the remedy I probably would have done the email consult and had this remedy stopped sooner....anywhoo...

I am now in the process of changing homeopaths. I will miss Terrance however he is moving out of Ottawa to New Brunswick. He has offered to Skype his clients however I want to see someone in the flesh and to get my magical potions on the day of the session. I am usually walking into session feeling desperate to be decompressed. This can happen when I am detoxing off a new remedy. This sometimes brings on a feeling off being stoned and mellow but after a few days that wears off and then towards day 13 of new remedy I feel the anxiety or whatever I have gotten the remedy for coming out then I feel very anxious or what not. This is homeopathy but it is rewarding when I recognize that it has done many things for me with lasting results. The rest is a work in progress!

Things are moving faster then I thought as far as treatment is concerned. Many people seem quite worried about me losing weight, not eating or not gaining (I have been underweight for 5 years). 

I have agreed to go into an in-patient hospital program. I do want to go but only partly. I really want to be home to with my cat Speckle and all my comforts like my computer, phone and TV. I have heard that I could buy that stuff but then there’s that extra cost thing.

Speckle has a night ritual where she sleeps next to my pillow.  Very often I will wake up multiple times and Speckle is right there for me to reach out and pet. Awwww.   In this photo of her I was ready for bed and Speckle was elsewhere but then I brushed my teeth and took my night remedies and there she was conked out on my pillow. She beat me to bed, lol...I thought we could share the pillow (I'm not one to turfing my cat - every moment with her is precious) however when I settled on my half of the pillow she took off.  She did come back to sleep next to the pillow of course, after a little snack.

I have also told a few people that I really don’t want to leave Speckle as I have gotten her use to so much love and attention. I fear if I leave her she might die like my first cat who seemed to get sick when I would leave her. My first cat Candi had kidney problems and depression though. Speckle seems feistier but a lot more independent and hardy though. I guess I had just silently promised myself that I would never leave a cat other then for holidays ever again! It is frustrating for me that I can’t get better on my own. I want to but life seems so tiring whether I eat or not!

I won’t be called in for the preliminary testing for the eating disorder program for at least 3 weeks as my worker who will be attending and advocating for me will be away on holidays for the next 2 weeks.   I’m sure the Eating disorder clinic has me file or might remember me from 3 years ago when I was suppose to go into the Eating disorder day program. I told them I couldn’t do it because the wanted me to promise to up my calories on my own. I had thought that I would be over fed in a group setting so with support!

I am in this deep depression funk as I am tying this. I have not been interested in eating. I am not even interested in buying more junk food. I thought originally this not even wanting junk food was my agoraphobia telling me not to leave the house but x2 today I went out and passed by the nearby store and wasn’t interested in the food part at all. This makes sense since my lithium levels are low. I am only on the minimum dose of Cipralex and won’t see the doc for 2 ½ weeks for an increase. But, since I am bipolar I could feel elevated by tomorrow, lol.    

Here is Speckle actually sleeping in this box full of hard covered books!  Yes I know I have book shelves that have been moved over here since June but I am still grieving the fact that I screwed up living in the country with my girlfriend Kerri. I realize that I need to be out driving if I move back but I am so scared to drive after a near accident at the end of last September. I fear I will kill or hurt someone if I am driving and I feel that it was my fault that some guy absentmindedly  biked into my car and had I stopped a second slower he could have lost both legs at least...

And finally, I really like this picture of 2 butterflies on my mother's Echinacea flowers.